A very crowded room
Stereotypes of therapy often reference a solemn looking therapist sitting by a chaise lounges who communicates with nods, scribbles on a notebook and ‘tell me more about your mother’. Though many of Freud’s theories are outdated and jarring in today’s world, the link between our childhood experiences and our adult self is still an important area of exploration for many of us. The more we can make sense of how the past is visiting us in the presence, the more power we take from these experiences and the more agency we gain over our lives.
When listening to clients, I sometimes feel as though their words are the voice of someone else, as though another person’s belief has been swallowed and internalised as their own. When we learn things about ourselves, others, the world, as a child, we bury these beliefs deeply within us. These beliefs are often so old and familiar that they pass under the radar without scrutiny and are indistinguishable from any other part of ourselves. Therapy encourages a self-curiosity and may enable us to question the givens that we live by, the beliefs about ourselves that we thought were fact. Sometimes a client may be able to identify the people whose voices they have internalised and I am sometimes able to sense when this person joins us in session. Over time, it is possible to become more aware of when other people are joining us in the present moment in a way that isn’t helpful or constructive. From here, we may develop the ability to turn inwardly to this person and ask them to leave.
The effect of our parents and influential people on our younger self can be particularly clear in couples therapy. I sometimes feel as though I am working with more than the two people in front of me. Working through the material has, on occasion, showed me that we have been joined by the couple’s two sets of parents and, in turn, each of their parents. Each member of the couple unconsciously holds the beliefs, traumas and survival instincts of those who came before them, and nothing stirs up this history quite like a relationship. We can sometimes feel as though we are acting on instinct or reflex with a partner, without knowing why we have reacted so viscerally. Turning the lens onto the people whose voices are present within us can be an incredibly healing and impactful process. Introducing your partner to this history can be immensely important for change. To be able to understand why we react in the way that we do, and to share this process with a partner, is to bring awareness to the unconscious communication that is happening between two people. With awareness, we have the choice to change our behaviours and to empty the crowded room.
