Will I ever have an orgasm?
The experience of clients who have never experienced orgasm is often rooted in isolation. There can be a sense that there is a party that they haven’t gained an invite to, or a club from which they’re excluded. When someone starts therapy and tells me that their goal is to experience orgasm and understand what has prevented this up until now, there is often an unspoken sense of ‘am I broken?’ or ‘is something wrong with me?’ Such is society’s view of sex that we are told that its purpose is for climax. So where does that leave people who don’t feel that this is possible for them? Sometimes in deep frustration with their bodies and often with a belief that the sex they have isn’t valid, isn’t good enough or isn’t as intimate.
There can be a sense of grief that accompanies the absence of orgasm. Grief at the loss of sensation that my client knows is possible; grief at uncomfortable interactions with partners that they may have endured; grief that they feel they are letting down sexual partners; grief that this is a problem in their life, rather than a source of joy. This grief is often difficult to sit in and the reflex may be to shift into determination and action in order to relieve the discomfort. Indeed, the act of starting therapy can be the start of a powerful action curve that can both advance and complicate the work.
Ironically, determination and control often act as a repellent to orgasm and pleasure. The more we focus on achieving a goal in sex, the more it eludes us. Frequently, I see the work of the client as finding the courage to release the goal of orgasm and enjoy the sex that they are left with. This frequently invites orgasms in and I have had many sessions with couples or individuals who are excited to tell me that they have been visited by climax when they least expected it. These are wonderful moments in our sessions and it is important to celebrate these triumphs. However, a more lasting triumph is to accept pleasure in whatever form it is expressed in the body and mind.
For many, to be told to ‘just relax and don’t think about it’ can feel infuriating or impossible (which is why you won’t hear me say this in session). This is where the work in therapy can turn to practical measures to support this process. I’ll invite my clients to turn off their autopilot sexual behaviours, the patterns and movements that may have become habitual. With new instructions - a new playbook - clients can feel as though they have a blank canvas on which to paint their new sexual self. In this newness, clients may feel more able to focus on the physical - their breath, the sensations on their skin, pleasure from their sexual organs - and to stay in their bodies rather than floating outside of themselves to spectate on the progress of the sex.
In my experience, combining sexual-self-acceptance, exploration into our early exposure to sex, abundant compassion and a script of new behaviours can be powerful in enabling people to experience more sensation, intimacy and - maybe - orgasm.
